Crazy is the new normal. But then, even the state of crazy can be a porthole to another level of insanity. I really want to take some time to explain where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, why I haven’t been the best role model or support out there recently. My level of personal growth has been through the roof this month and facing the month of August, I really want to head into it with a new level of maturity and grace. So here’s my story.
The Background Information: As many of you know, July was busy with my trip to Texas. The days prior and the days after were about getting ready or getting settled. It’s not easy leaving 4 kids and a husband behind for a week. Also prior to my leaving my mom had an abnormal mammogram. She had a biopsy scheduled for July 14th, and we were going to try not to worry about it until then so Mom went to Kentucky to see my sister and I went to Texas. Mom had her biopsy and then we had to wait for a little bit for those results. They said they’d call Friday or Monday. Friday came and went leaving us to speculate all weekend. Monday came and right at the end of the day the doctor called. He said he didn’t have enough information yet but it was cancer. July 21st Mom had an appointment with the surgeon. This is when we found out that it was an invasive form of breast cancer, somewhere between a stage 1 and stage 2. She was given 4 treatment options. As of today, we’ve narrowed it down to two. One option was not treat it at all and die within 4-5 years. Gladly she discarded that option quickly. Right now we’re (I say ‘we’ like I’m going through this too!) proceeding with the plan to either do a lumpectomy with radiation or double mastectomy. The thought for that is that we believe this is a genetic problem and if we just perform the lumpectomy she’ll be dodged with the threat of breast cancer the rest of her life. We have until the morning of the surgery to make that decision so prayers are appreciated on this matter.
Last Thursday, my mom’s husband worked all day in the yard (they live on 20 acres) and he came in saying something was wrong with his eye. He couldn’t see. Friday morning Kaiser called and asked Mom to come in for a nuclear MRI. Kerry (mom’s husband) decided to get his eye checked out. Friday just spiraled out of control really fast. My husband Roy and my boys had all taken off for their annual boys weekend and I was trying to spend the weekend with my girls. It was in the early afternoon that I got the frantic call from my mom saying that Kerry needed to have surgery to reattach his retina. The surgery needed to be performed at OHSU Casey Eye Institute. With mom dealing with her breast cancer and a big plate of uncertainties, this was a little much for everyone. The newest uncertainty was, will Kerry be able to see out of his right eye ever again.
Saturday morning, Kerry had a reaction to the anesthesia. He had some seizures, quit breathing, and scared my mom half to death. Later I heard that the doctor was completely calm during the ordeal and just tapped him on the chest to wake him up. The call I got from my mom was mumbled up with hysteria and tears. All she told me was that “I almost lost him, Chair” (mom calls me ‘chair’ sometimes) The doctor sent them home but the drive is long and mom was afraid so she just kept driving. She got home, all the way out in Molalla and realized she forgot all Kerry’s prescriptions. So Allison and I went and picked up the prescriptions and drove them out to their house.
Prognosis on Kerry: We won’t know if he’ll have his vision restored on that right eye for 4 or 5 weeks. We know that the left eye is also about to fall apart, so he will need to have that retina patch welded here soon as well.
Plan and prognosis for Mom: Right now surgery is scheduled for August 19th. The day after her 60th birthday. How extensive that surgery will be, remains to be seen as of yet because Mom hasn’t officially declared her treatment of choice. Either way it will either involve chemo or radiation for some time after the surgery.
What is the plan for me this month: I really hope you’ve hung in there long enough to read to this part. Let me start with the technical first off. Kerry (step dad) is in no position to take care of mom right now, get her to her pre-op appointments, surgery or whatever. My sister is in Kentucky and can’t likely get here in time to help. Likewise, Mom is in no position to take care of Kerry right now. She’s too emotional and scared. My mom’s doctor has declared Kerry unfit for driving her or for after surgery care so I’ve been declared the caretaker/chauffeur.
How is my own health? Let me be upfront and tell you, waiting at hospitals with closed cafeterias and nothing but vending machines around, it’s pretty impossible to be on plan. Both times I was called to the hospital, I didn’t have time to go home and pack a day’s worth of food before I left. (this is a good reminder, clients, always have a lot of food with you when you go out! I had food, just not enough for me and allison for a whole day... but it would've been helpful to have a whole box of bars in the car... like there is now!) The stress has been incredible. I don’t remember a time in my life where I’ve been faced with every single eating trigger all at once. Lonely (Roy was gone), scared, nervous, hopeless, uncertain, bored, guilty, depressed…you name it. So, I fell off the proverbial wagon again. I don’t even remember what I ate or how much. I remember thinking that the crunching made me feel like I was doing something and I thought that was weird. I had been battling with my depression- feeling like I can’t do much of anything and am good at pretty much nothing.
The good news is that just since last Saturday, I feel like I’ve grown emotionally by leaps and bounds! I am looking at how I handled the last week and although, I’m disappointed in myself, I can say plainly that it isn’t good enough. I know who I am, I know what my strengths are, I know who is counting on me to be stable emotionally and physically.
I’ve been watching Dr. Anderson’s DVD series “The Thin Healthy Mind” and learning about how these habits form and what happened is when all that stress was taking place, my brain switched to auto-pilot. I just started doing again, what I’ve always done when faced with stress. I realize that the month of August and perhaps September are going to be hard and I cannot afford to deal with my stress the same old way. I need to switch to manual drive for a while, be very aware of what I’m eating, what I’m saying, what I’m doing and be prayerful about it all as well.
So here’s my formal apology: Although most of the stress has taken place this past week, it all started before I left for Texas. I have moments of strength, but more often than not, I have felt weak and drained. I want to apologize for not being the best coach ever during this time. I signed up several new clients this month and I’m afraid they haven’t gotten to see the best side of me yet. I’m sorry that I haven’t taken responsibility for my own health or for my own schedule. I’ve learned so much in the quiet times, waiting and praying.
The month of August, will, without a doubt be a challenge but I am up for it. I am not losing sight of my hope, my Jesus, my future or my goals or YOURS. I feel like, as I begin this journey through the battle field of breast cancer and blindness that I am ready and I am fully armored and prepared as I can be to face all this insanity.
Take shape for life: I’m excited for how TSFL is changing people’s lives right now. Every day I hear stories that inspire me, remind me of my purpose statement and what wonderful clients I have. I am still growing my business, I am still taking care of my clients and I am still taking on new ones. One of the neat things right now is that a lot of the people that started in January are reaching their goals and transitioning into a maintenance plan! I should count how many there are. You’d be surprised I think. That leaves me with room for more. I will have a lot of time to take calls, to respond to emails and instant chat this month, so please do not hesitate to contact me for whatever you need. Trust me, hearing you lost another 4 lbs this week will only encourage and support ME!
This weekend, I’m taking my kids camping. We’re going to get away as a family for just a few days while we can. Then Monday, I will be hitting my own health with the TSFL hammer, hard core. I really would like you all to feel free to hold me accountable as well.
If you’d like to join me, learn some Habits of Health or give TSFL a try, please feel free to call me! I really am here for you as often as you need and we can meet at Starbucks and talk or we can skype, email back and forth or whatever is most comfortable for you.
I got my head in the game now. Watch out world.
1 comment:
You've been through a lot and I will continue to pray for you. I think you have still done a great job coaching this month and I appreciate you so much! Leigh
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